I talked with my therapist last week about the fact that my mother hasn't been involved much with the wedding planning. Andie's family seemed to have everything under control, but I felt bad for my mom. She did after all help me pay for the engagement ring, and I thought she would like to be involved. In only two days, she(my mother) has managed to make this whole situation a hundred times more difficult.
Yesterday, my mother introduced an Episcopalian priest to Andie and her family. My mother wants him to marry us. In a church. Indoors. My idea of a dream wedding was to have a total hippie experience. Outdoors on the grass, barefoot, with
someone who resembled that guy who married Liz, and TJ in "Gilmore Girls" marrying us, and everyone has to
drop. Those last three things are probably out of the question, but Andie is keen about the outdoors thing.
I know a wedding isn't just about me. In fact, the wedding for the family, and friends...I know this. There's just something inside of me that wants to have it my way(for once). I feel all of this pressure again. This pressure to be the child that pleases his family because the other kids have
disappointed the parents in some ways. I was the only child in my family to have graduated from college, and though I am proud of the fact that I survived college, I can't wholeheartedly say that I wanted to go to college. I just did it to make my parents happy. No one else was going to go to college, and I just wanted to have something to be proud of. Now I feel that this is the only shot my mother has at having one of her kids have a traditionally "big Filipino" wedding.
But here's the thing. I don't feel Filipino at all. I don't eat the food, I don't speak the language(except when I'm mocking the accent), and I totally shun most aspects of the (Filipino-American) culture. I hate dressing in labels(not true because I wear t-shirts with bands names, or video games...). Sorry, that's being to general. I don't know what happened, or when it happened, but I just don't embrace my culture, or heritage. Hate me if you must. I don't blame you. I just never fought for it you know. I let my culture slip away. I don't hate my people, but I just can't, or don't want to relate.
Back to what I was saying, I just spoke to the priest who my mother wants to marry us. He totally made me feel like I had no clue what I was getting into. Who knows what life will be like 10...20 years from now, but hearing this now just rubs me the wrong way. He told me that by not having the wedding in a church it would be disrespectful to my mother, and to Filipino culture. Personally, I don't care, and I wish my mother wouldn't care, but if that were the case it would be too easy, and nothing is ever easy for me. Another thing he mentioned is that I might have a hard time accepting the fact that Andie's going to be a doctor, and that she's going to make more money than me.
You know the first thing I thought of when Andie told me she wanted to be a doctor?
"Huh, she's gonna make more money than me. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet."I have to say that during this conversation(or
monologue) Return of the Jedi was on the TV, and I couldn't help but be distracted. It was that totally awesome part where Luke flips out and R2-D2 pops that
light saber out, and Luke catches it in mid-air. Try to listen to a priest talk about your future while that scene is on.
C'mon now.
Why would I care about how much money she makes? Honestly, it gives me an opportunity to stay home, start a web page(or anything that involved writing from home), and take care of the kids. The best part is that my love supports me in everything I do, and I believe her. I wanted to tell him that I didn't give a fuck about that. I didn't give a fuck about any of his, or my mother's points. Of course I couldn't because for one, I don't feel comfortable swearing to a priest, and two I could hardly get a word in because he was pretty much lecturing me to death.
I know my mother means well.
I have faith in my relationship with Andie. I love her so much, and I truly want(and
neeeeeed)to spend the rest of my life with her. Maybe I'm being totally
naive, and I shouldn't speak for my love, but if we both want this, isn't that enough? Now I just wish my mother put enough stock in my faith as she does in her faith in God.
Wow, I haven't blogged like that since the good days of the
loser_from_uc blog. I'm going to have a
Reuben, and some fries to celebrate.
Labels: mother, wedding
