I should shower first, but it's really late. I need to sleep sooner. I can't remember if I took my pill or not. Maybe it's just my bad side telling me to take more. I'm going to take a shower now.



I'm going to try something different, and visit here everyday without apprehension. I need give some albums a few last minute listens before I start with my favorite albums of the year list. Even though I don't have much to say anymore I am just going to move my fingers and say something.


I just finished my Jet Set experience, flying to the Bay, then to New York, then back home, then to Montreal for Thanksgiving, and back home again. I've seem to cram all my flying at the end of the year which wasn't the best idea because being shoved and smooshed into tiny jets for hours is the worst, though I did have memorable experiences everywhere I went. Besides going to CA, everything I sensed was brand new.

Seeing friends again...It was more than I could have hoped for. It was the most comfortable I've felt in a really long time. The good vibes started immediately, when I was picked up at Oakland by the ol' silver Civic, the sounds of Too Short coming out the rolled down windows. It was like, "Fuck yeah, I'm me again. For the time being, I don't have to be self conscious at all." I went home to see Mom get married, but I had planned in my head to spend the majority of my time with friends. Mom didn't like that very much, but her mind was elsewhere that weekend, so I left her after staying at the reception for about two hours. The reception was at the new house off the 5, almost 2 hours east of the Bay. There was no way I was staying over there. I didn't even want to see my family really.

I just spoiled tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model to Kate. Pretty evil of me, and it's weird enough between us.

See, I despise this aspect of being here. I hate starting over. I don't really care if hating change is perceived as detrimental to one's social being. Chicago is a great town with a hip community, but what would make it better is if the people I enjoy being around were here also. After moving here, I put all of this pressure on myself to create like the Skweeze Chicago chapter or something like that. I was going to be this unique guy from California(not from Los Angeles), who didn't speak a word of his native tongue, who liked Belle and Sebastian, and watching sports, smoking and drinking into the night. Of course that's not how it's been going, and after seeing everyone again, I say fuck it. For now, I just need to take care of me. If I really want to do something, I'll just do it with or without anyone.

I've been three weeks without a cigarette. I promised Andrea mostly I would stop after New York. New York was my Fat Tuesday, except it was a week long. How long is Mardi Gras anyway? Maybe it's a week I don't know. Anyway I did everything in excess, and I fucking loved every minute of it. I even thizzed my last night in New York which I wasn't planning on, but I knew I would give in and do it, and I'm glad I did it. Even if Andrea says it gives you Parkinson's, which is untrue I found out after I told her I did it. She said some drugs may be connected to Parkinson's, but thizzin wasn't one of them. Besides, nicotine has been linked to lowering the chance of getting Parkinson's, and I think I smoked enough cigarettes that night to cancel out any drug use. Anyway it was good I did it, because I fucking love those guys and gals, and just the experience overall has increased my love for them. Maybe I'll eventually make friends here, but no one is going to take their place. I really wish I was going home for Christmas, but one of the negatives of working at a bank is it's difficult to get time off during the holidays. With all the god damned shopping going on, someone's gotta take care of all the transactions and stuff.


The meds have really helped curb the cigarette cravings for the most part. I'll probably get hooked on the pills, but at least I'll live ten years longer. I don't have anything to help with my Skweeze craving though. I have pictures and video clips of the various dives in Manhattan that we slummed, the apartment where I stayed, the sights, the parks. The trip has really changed my opinion of New York.
It's just because they're there. On the train this morning I wondered about how much everyone has changed, and if when we're together we revert to our 1999 selves. I wondered if I'll ever get to see the new Oakland Tan and JP, or the Brooklyn CJ and Star. I did see glimpses of them. I really got to know about New York Jay, whose distinguishing trait is not to answer his cell phone.