I keep putting off writing something, but I'm trying to write at least every month, and so far I've been able to maintain that. I think I'm afraid of just...looking at my thoughts. It's fucking terrible that I just sit on my hands. I went to school. I shouldn't have donked off the opportunity I had. That's just me though. I went into creative writing because all you had to do was read(with minimal comprehension), and write some half assed stories and poems the night before they were due, and zoom! Up goes your GPA. I had some snafus(sp?), like the time I got caught plagiarizing on my mid term paper on Allan Cunningham(the poet, not Allen, the poker player). I was being really lazy in that class, and it was a class after 5pm. I would sit in the front of the class, and without any shame I would press my forehead against my desk, my breath fogging up my glasses as my teacher taught. It's a doubled edged sword, majors like that. The workload is relatively light, but it's up to the student to do the best work possible, so that he/she can get the most out of it. The kids like me just graduate, and float around fields far away from anything to do with literature.

Another reason I avoided you is that I don't want to think deeper about Mom remarrying. I just don't like the reasoning behind the whole thing, but she thinks I'm naive about the whole thing which bothers the hell out of me. I truly believe my Mom is smart, despite her obvious lack of common sense. Also, she can't grasp the fact that life doesn't have to be difficult. She always takes the path less traveled(this post is beyond cliche and I'm only two paragraphs in), and sure, taking that path makes you stronger, but it should also make you wiser not to repeat those questionable moves. Getting back to my Mom thinking I'm clueless, she told me that she is getting married again because: (a she just bought a house with the groom to be, and it would be against the faith if she lived with a man out of wedlock, and (b in her words, "It was going to happen anyway." Well, I know I'm going to have a granola bar, some cookies, and a biscotti tomorrow along with my coffee for breakfast, BUT I'm not going to have those things right now. I wouldn't be able to sleep if I had caffeine this late, and I shouldn't eat before bed. While she told me this I thought, "You really shouldn't have bought the house then." Then I thought, "Wow, I always say and think what if but I believe that if I was in California, this wouldn't be happening."

I was the wall standing between my Mother and this guy. I also stood between my Mother and Sister...my Sister, and Brother too. I couldn't have been happier when I left that house. Of course if I left while my girlfriend drove the entire way from the Bay Area to Chicago, and all I did was play my imaginary DS and ate cheeseburgers extra onions, and pickles the whole way? Then I would have been happier. However, I'll take leaving town without the luxuries for sure. Now, all of those forces I separated are free to converge, become agitated, and explode, implode, and cease to exist. My Mother doesn't have the strength to turn my wayward sister away. More accurately, the faith my Mother values above logic, won't let her turn my wayward sister away. So she just deals with her problems. Need a car? Here you go. You crashed your car? Here you go. You got a DUI? Here you go. You got caught with a suspended license? Here you go. You crashed someone else's car while driving under the influence with a suspended license? Sorry, the answer is still the same. Now, instead of just standing up to my sister, and just completely cutting her off from any kind of help, my Mother is bringing someone else into the fray. What will he do? Probably lend his Lexus SUV to my sister because my Mom will pester him to let her use his car.

I'm really sick of thinking about it, but that is all I can seem to do. Think about the people that I barely know. That includes my friends. I'll be seeing them too as well, and I can't help thinking that there will many moments of silence on my end. I have no stories of Chicago, just stories they've already heard. I know so little about the changes, the transformations that we've all been going through, and there's no point in asking in an instant message, because they'll just say everything is the same. Nothing is the same, especially after a year goes by. I hope this is just some sort of defense to my tendency to over hype things. Usually, I'm way to excited which leads to being extremely disappointed, yet I really think that I'm not going to have the best of times. I don't know anyone really, except my love. She keeps my rusted gears moving. Other than her, I have shown little interest in making new friends. I'm a quiet asshole to anyone my love introduces me to, and I make half assed attempts at meeting new people through the usual antisocial channels(craigslist, xanga, myspace, the internet basically).

I always end up getting sad when I write an entry. I need to fix that. Fix a lot of things. Or continue not to care on the surface, but feel really hurt. I'll be a bit more cheerful when I start working on my favorite albums of 2006 list. Music always makes me feel carefree(The new Decemberists album is pretty good).

Also if anyone cares, I just noticed that This American Life is finally a free weekly podcast. This show used to be one of the few that was charging for their podcast, but I guess now that they're going to be on Showtime next year, the least they could do is give out a free podcast for those unfortunate people who don't have Showtime, like me. Anyway, get it while it's good. You can only get them free for the first seven days after the show airs. That makes me feel happy, This American Life.